There will be barely a village in Isaan, where not at least one woman is married to a Farang, or where no Farang has come to live with his wife or girlfriend. If one will asks a schoolgirl in Isaan, what she wants to become when she is grown up, not infrequently the answer will be "Mia Farang". The greatest motivation for this wish is the financial security. The main reason why the foreigners living in Thailand, having a really low level of standing, are marriageable is their money. This must be clear to every Farang, thinking about the idea to marry a Thai-Woman. Better not to have any romantic illusions, or looking to the world through pink tinted spectacles.

           

If, as today in Europe in every country, social safety nets are available, it is obviously much easier to indulge in romance, and to believe only in bonds of love and mutual affection. But Thai-Ladies, available for Farang, have never known something of public welfare. It is therefore only natural that their motives for marriage with a Farang are primarily for financial security. A problem for many Farang is also the strong commitment of Thai-Women to their family and their moral obligation to support her family

                       

Everybody who marries a Thai girl marries her entire family, thus taking the commitment to accept the rules of the traditional social order of the country, whether he likes it or not. This includes in particular, the obligation to pay a certain amount of cash to the parents of the bride. To Foreigners it may occur strange, that parents are expecting to get a sum of money from someone who wants to marry her daughter - whether in a civil ceremony, or only with the blessing of the parents or the Buddha. We are used to exactly the opposite, namely that the bride's father gives his daughter a dowry when she marries. But In Thailand, people are convinced that the family has a right to get reimbursed for the subsidiary cost and effort invested in the girl. The money also has a symbolic significance: It testifies the respect of the bridegroom to the family of the bride. In Thailand money means reputation, the notions of wealth and prestige are largely synonymous, and this substantially more than in Europe.

 

The sums paid in Thailand as bride money, are less based upon the beauty of the girl, as upon the social status and wealth of the family, especially when it is likely that the bride after the death of their parents will inherit a nice piece of land. The money often amounts to a considerable sum, up to an annual earning or even above. The sum of course refers also to the financial standing of the bridegroom, and that is much higher for a Farang as for a Thai. That applies even if the chosen girl is "second hand" that means has already been married once, and has one or more children.

           

While up country sums from 20,000 to 50,000 Baht are usual, from a Farang amounts from 50,000 to 100,000 Baht are expected. For weddings in better circles in the city, sums of even half a million and more are known. If a couple in my neighborhood is married, I always get told what the bride has cost, and how much gold the groom has given to his young wife as a wedding gift. At the wedding ceremony, the cash is handed over and the gold chain is put on the bride, in presence of the entire wedding party,

 

For the Farang, who has fallen in love with a girl from the Isaan in Pattaya, and wants to take her home to his country, it is of course a great temptation to dodge this payment, that by his opinion is not necessary, and to take the girl to Europe without this formality. He must however be aware, that the girl loses her face with her family, and this can be a heavy burden for their harmoniously living together.

 

That also applies to the moral obligation of the daughter, to regularly send money to her family in Thailand. Thai children feel obliged to support their parents. Buddha teaches gratitude to all donors, and especially to the parents, who have given the child's life and have it raised. In Thailand there exists no pension for most of the population, and old age homes where the care of the elderly is assured, are virtually unknown in Thailand.

 

Many more than in western countries with a welfare system, Thais consider it as an obligation to care for their parents when they become old. Children are the old-age insurance of their parents. If the daughter or son leaves the parental home, it is natural for them, to give a portion of their earnings to their parents. This applies also and especially for a daughter married to a Farang. Even if she does not work and earns no money, she feels obligated to transfer a regular amount of her husband's income to the parents. The man however, having given a lot of money at the wedding, perhaps purchased a small engine plow, or paid back a mortgage to the bank, will now not easily understand that he should now be a permanent payer.

 

Such a regular payment of course may have the result, that father and brothers of the girl now don’t like to work any more, and will have a good life. The monthly sum should therefore not be too high, but also not too low, to avoid loosing face to a family, which has married their daughter with a Farang. In my experience, about 5000 Baht per month is an amount that is not sufficient for the whole family to stop working and be lazy, but yet high enough, to show that the daughter is a good girl and the son in law is a man with good manners. This will automatically also boost the reputation of the family in the village. If the man does not accept this obligation because he believes to have married only the woman and not her family, the future dilemma is already preassigned.

 

Many Thai families, however, are not squeamish with their wishes and demands for subsidiary, and are incredibly imaginative in inventing ever new reasons for immediate financial help from where ever in the world the Farang has taken his Thai Wife. But at least after the third serious motorcycle accident of the brother, or a costly burial of the grandmother, which has already once been financed 4 years ago, even for the bona fide Farang a warning light should flash and the emergency brake should be pulled.

 

Surely there are many Farang, having taken a Thai-Wife, are now feeling as a piggy bank that should be robbed. They show, however, that they belong to the large group of men, realizing their dreams without any background knowledge what a partnership with a Thai-Wife implies.

 

One thing must be clear to anyone who decides to stay together with a Thai-Woman. He can only take her as she is, with her beautiful sides, which make her so desirable for him, and with the less attractive sides in his eyes, such as her bindings to the family in Thailand, her little sense of frugality, and also the habit to let her curtains down, and for a short or longer time lose her capability to speak, if something does not suit her. Those who can not accept all this should better refrain from a lasting bond. One must especially not have the illusion, that his wife, when barely by coming to his country, will unlearn her innate vices. It is difficult to change oneself, but almost impossible to change the mind of a Thai.

 

I am talking here mainly about Farang living with their wife in Thailand. For a Farang who is living with a Thai-Wife in his Farang country, for them the situation is much different

                       

One surprise a Farang will encounter, when having lived with his wife many years in his country, and now having got his pension or hedged sufficient assets, he will go to Thailand, and enjoy a quiet life in the home village of his wife.

While in his country the woman was perhaps able to attune to the Farang ratios, this can change rapidly, when the pair returns to live to Thailand. Then the woman is now staying in daily contact with her family will change back to a 100% Thai, and can easily adjust to the demands of the society and the customs of her homeland, something that her husband may not be able to do. He then often comes to realize, that his wife is no longer the same woman, with whom he lived in Farang-Land.

 

For the Farang, having got himself a Thai companion, there are only 2 possibilities: Either he settles for that what he got, with all the good and bad things (although it is by no means clear, that everything that displeases to us is therefore objectively bad), and tries to come to grips without constant friction. Or he writes of all the financial and emotional investments, and joins the circle of those to which Thailand is not a dream but a nightmare.