Even in Thailand, it is necessary that men and women come together in order to start a family and have children. And usually, in addition to the purely biological attraction, and the joy of sex, there will also be what in general is called love. In Thailand, there is - same as in western countries - the legal marriage, which will be officially registered, and where rights and obligations of both partners are legally defined, which they possibly can sue. But this formal, legal marriage is in the countryside virtually not practiced. A couple might simply live together, possibly even with parental and priestly blessings.

 

While an expensive wedding ceremony is always desired from the side of parents, so that the marriage will be documented before the entire village, it is also sufficient to cohabit together for a prolonged period, and to have common children, in order to be regarded as married by the society.

 

But if the marriage is really officially documented and registered by the local authorities, it is also protected in Thailand since 1932 by a law on monogamy. As traditional social habits will not be changed as fast as laws, the wealthier man, aside of a principal woman (with license), will also often have one or more secondary women. But since only the main woman has legal rights, the man can leave his secondary wife and their children at any time, without any alimony she could sue legally. The new marriage laws provide in principle a better position for the women. But even according to Thai-laws bigamy is not allowed, it is not prosecuted as a criminal offense like in Farang countries.

 

When somebody, though having a legally married wife already, marries once again, without indicating that he is already married, he has only committed an administrative offense with no serious consequences and risks if the story blows up, merely correction punishment, usually a fine. But then the second marriage will be invalid. For young women from the countryside the relationship with a married man is often the only chance to escape bleak poverty at home. It has not always to be a Thai man; also Europeans are very welcome here. To be a second wife is not a social stigma for a girl, because unlike in western countries, to have several women was the rule in Siam for centuries.

 

To have a “mia noi” is even a status symbol in wealthier circles. But there are some rules. A Thai proverb says: The "mia Luang (the main woman) is like the Buddha figure on the home altar. She must be kept in respect and well supported. The "mia noi" (little wife) is like a Buddha amulet, which one bears always on the chest. She brings happiness and well-being and therefore must of course also be well maintained (but she will usually take care of that herself).

 

The legal marriage being still the exception in Thailand and only common in better circles and in the cities, the man is at liberty if the sexual attraction recedes, to leave his family without taking care of wife and children, and take a new wife. The Thai woman has so no legally enforceable claim to maintenance against her husband and the father of their children, at least if they are not legally married. She must struggle herself for her livelihood and that of her children. But because it has always been like this, and because the girl does not know otherwise from her parents and older sisters, she will accept it and if necessary will be aided by her family.

 

Whoever believes that the Thai woman is gentle and submissive in marriage, is mistaken. A Thai woman, especially if she is not covered by a marriage contract, knows that gold chains and maybe even money in her savings-account are far more pleasant and soothing, than what the man has to offer her as tenderness and love sayings, and she will from the outset direct all her efforts toward this goal.

 

She can be very sweet and cuddly, especially if she wants something of her husband. But she can also be adamantine when calling for something and become a pesky beast, if she is not getting what she feels she should have. One must be clear in one's mind that the Thai woman is not only trying to get the income so she can provide for the family, but that in the absence of enforceable entitlements, she tries to get as much security for herself and her children for later, when the man eventually leaves them.

 

Hence the constant demand for the typical gold chains made of solid 24 carat gold, the more of them, the better. Gold is better than money in Thailand. It brings much more than a few percent interest, you would get when you take your money to the bank. The massive golden necklaces and bracelets can be converted into money literally on every street corner if the need requires. Especially for festive occasions, every bit of gold will be worn to give more 'face' to the owner, and also to make other women grudging.

 

From these different attitudes to the financial foundations of coexistence between man and woman comes the largest part of all problems in Thai-Farang marriages or cohabit. The man has the loving and gentle dream woman he has found in Thailand and taken to his home-country and now begins their life together. The girl has had the illusion that she has married a rich man. Because somebody who can spend so much money for the flight and an expensive hotel and also is not fussy in the swing of first love must be rich, even if he is a little employee, who brings home perhaps only three thousand Euros per month. This is much money for a Thai, much more than a civil servant in her country will get.

 

But now from his monthly income must not only be paid the daily subsistence, but also the rent for the apartment, clothing and maybe even the car. The woman also has the moral obligation to send regularly some money to her family in Thailand, to provide for one or even several children by her former Thai man, whom she has left with their Grandparents in Thailand. If she sends no money, she will loose face with her family and the neighbors, a terrible psychological burden for a Thai woman, but not for her Farang-husband, because he does not understand Thai customs. He has perhaps during a whole year saved the money for travelling to Thailand, has spent a lot of money to get the woman to his country, has perhaps also paid a decent sum to the parents during his visit, and is now of the opinion, that he has paid enough money.

 

Money is something which belongs to a functioning marriage, at least as well as love, which is the same everywhere in the world. In addition, it is for a German man of course particularly difficult, to understand the emotional life of his Thai woman, based in the completely different cultural and social background, and the different manner of Thai and Farang to cope with family and financial problems. It is especially difficult for him, to accept the financial demands of his Thai woman which, as he believes married him only out of love, and should now be grateful to him that he has extracted her from the poor conditions she was living in Thailand.

 

My wife made her feelings of this subject clear to me when I asked her one day, why she is staying with me, whether because of my money or because she loves me.  I got the answer "This is a very silly and unnecessary question. If you had no money, I could not love you, because who would then care for me and my children. But when if I not love you, then you could have much more money, but I would not live together with you for so a long time already"